bart_calendar: Just Give Me A Gram

Every so often I decide to check out the profiles of writers I'm bidding against on Elance, just to see if I can get ideas for changing my profile.

Today, I ran into a profile that is a gift that just keeps on giving.

Now, remember, this is a dude who is, you know, bidding on jobs to write press releases or web pages for IT companies or spam emails. Today he's bidding on ghostwriting a self-help book.

It starts off with him describing himself as a "epigrammatist."

Now, I have a degree in base linguistics, literary theory and post modernism with a minors in writing and stylistic analysis - and it took me a couple minutes too remember what an epigrammatist is - and in my entire life I think I've seen this word actually written once before and that was in some weird pretentious response to a Levi-Strauss essay on the inherent contradictions in hermeneutic theory.

So, what are the fucking odds that some dude that just wants someone who can write a press release about their Angry Birds app clone that will pass the rules of PRNewswire will have any concept of what it means?

Luckily, he's helpful stating "Shakespeare was an epigrammatic writer."

Great. If I ever launch my own IT firm and a marketing consultant says we should split test the website copy in iambic pentameter, I'll be sure to look you up.

But... it gets better.

He writes: "I write in over a dozen STYLES (i.e. GENRES)."

Wait. You trust some 22 year old app developer you are pitching yourself to to know what an epigrammatist is, but you don't think they understand what the words "writing styles" means? Seriously?

OK. Now, what STYLES (i.e. GENRES) does he supply?

"novel, script, dialog, monolog, epigram; verse, power-prose, humor, essay, biography, ad copy, blog, Op-Ed, the article, technical and academic writing. Style is not the same as content. Clients mistake CONTENT for WRITING STYLE (see below) and thus choose writers erroneously."

What the fuck is "power prose?"

Also what is "the article." Does this mean he's capable of writing the words "the", "a" and "an?"

Let's move forward:

"When perusing my portfolio you may get involved with the content within my writing. If so, then go with the flow and enjoy the read but do not confuse STYLE and ABILITY with CONTENT because "one man's meat (content) is another's poison"!"

First of all, dudes are not coming to Elance to waste time getting sucked into whatever epigramtic power driven article filled prose you've slapped up there. They are simply looking at your profile to figure out if you can speak English.

Secondly, if you are trying to use a quote to drive your point home it would probably help to not use a quote that you have to explain using parenthesis.

Now....

"The very first page of my Novel demonstrates the use of ten of the many elements of creative writing to capture reader interest - from start to finish."

Really? 10 elements of creative writing style in one page???? I don't think Faulkner or Shakespeare was capable of that. Also, does anyone give a shit? I just want to know if it is something potential customers will like reading. Is it something they'll like reading?

Apparently not.

"Clients often say to me, ?But your writing is too sophisticated for the technical or medical book I want ghostwritten!?

Dude, that means you are giving them the wrong samples. That's also a nice way for potential clients to tell you that your writing sucks and nobody understands or gives a flying fuck what you are talking about.

"My Short Prose and Poems demonstrate my tight control of language. Notice that the message in any of my poems is crystal clear yet the language is no longer prose. It lives in a world of its own..."

That's great, but my company is based on Planet Earth. Do you have anything relating to that???

"You should be aware that actual work samples are the best references BY FAR in creative writing by which kernels are separated from fluff i.e. design, format, color schemes, attractive photography in brochures shown as writing samples, glossy but empty book covers without any written content in-between."

This is the first time I've EVER seen someone trying to sell themselves using a 47 word sentence that includes both all caps and the word "fluff."

Source: http://bart-calendar.livejournal.com/2477071.html

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